It's Really Here

I start work again tomorrow. I'm a bundle of nerves and excitement in anticipation of the big day. I wonder who will be around and who doesn't work there anymore since we were acquired by Honeywell on July 1. I'll have to set up my new cubicle because when I left in April I had an office on the 4th floor, but my proposal group was all moved to the 3rd floor after the acquisition and everyone has a cubicle. Pete, our go-to-guy, was responsible for packing up all my stuff (and he had fun with the bag of marshmallows I kept in my desk drawer-for hot chocolate). I wonder if all of my stuff is still sitting in boxes from when Pete packed it?

I'm wearing my wig tomorrow just because I don't think my bandannas are office appropriate. The wig will be strange for me because I've probably only worn it five times. I really don't like wearing it because it doesn't look like me, but at least I won't look like a "cancer patient" at work. I will whip it off and put on my bandanna for the ride home, though! Mike thinks my hair is starting to grow, but I honestly can't tell. I have to admit that it's been nice not having hair in the summer heat and I'm "glad" that I got sick in the spring/summer versus fall/winter because I would prefer not to be bald when it's cold outside. Although, I'd prefer having my hot flashes in the cold weather rather than a day like today.

I started reading a book I checked out from the library called, "Dancing in Limbo, Making Sense of Life After Cancer," and it's helping me ease into this next phase of my life. I relate to a lot of what the authors are saying and found myself crying this afternoon for no reason at all. I think it's because I agree with them that I want to get back to normal, but my life will never be the "normal" I had before my diagnosis and I'm mourning that carefree life I had. It is weird to be a cancer survivor because I'm so grateful to be alive and thankful for everyone's kindness and generosity, but I'm not sure how to think or feel now that my treatment is over and I don't have to go to NIH twice a week. I can't even fully explain how I do feel to Mike or anyone because I don't know the words. It's like how my body feels now. I feel weak and my muscles aren't working properly, but I'm not winded. My body just feels tired more frequently. My legs don't want to work sometimes and I can't walk a straight line. It's hard for me, but I know it will take some time to become "normal" again. I just don't have much patience - I want my strength back now. :-)